Bizarre

Allright, now I'm puzzled. Some kind of advisory committee of right-wing preachers has pronounced Ted Haggard "completely heterosexual." Fair enough, he's straight. He just sometimes likes to visit with gay prostitutes. Happens to the straightest of us. And, sure, meth was involved. But what heterosexual dude hasn't toked up on crystal and fucked a male hooker? Don't lie.

But here's the question. These are the same people who think gayness is curable, right? So what does the heterosexual/homosexual distinction amount to in that worldview? I thought the point was that there's no such thing as a gay person.

Comments

Well the difference is between someone who is genuinely sick (but can be cured) and someone who is malingering.

Posted by James B. Shearer | February 6, 2007 8:38 PM

Haggard's heterosexuality is a tremendous success. And anyone who says otherwise is consorting with the enemy, if you know what I mean.

Posted by MattF | February 6, 2007 8:45 PM

Indeed. There but for a toke of crank, go I.

Posted by David | February 6, 2007 8:46 PM

I thought the point was that there's no such thing as a gay person.

I think the point may be that gayitude is a choice, and Haggard simply made the wrong choice, repeatedly and with great pleasure. I do find one of Haggard's minister's comments entertainingly ambiguous: that it's "hard to heal in Colorado Springs." Is one of the most conservatively religious towns in the U.S. posing too many temptations for Haggard? Or are its fine citizens spitting on him as he walks by on the sidewalk? What's up with that?

Posted by RSA | February 6, 2007 8:50 PM

Sure. I mean, unlike most "completely heterosexual" men, he made the mistake of giving in to his constant, buring desire for homosexual activities.

Nothin' homo about that. Happens all the time.

I'm sure the General can vouch for Haggard on this.

Posted by K | February 6, 2007 9:06 PM

Perhaps those right-wing preachers would be willing to reassure us that the rest of the Republican leadership is also completely heterosexual.

Posted by MP | February 6, 2007 9:12 PM

Note that in conservative-Christian-speak, homosexuality isn't defined in the mainstream way in terms of attraction, it's defined in terms of sexual activity. So if he doesn't primarily have sex with men, he's not not "homosexual". See e.g., http://www.religioustolerance.org/hom6beli.htm .

Posted by Mark Barton | February 6, 2007 9:16 PM

I never thought I'd see the day: Shearer, that's awesome.

Posted by SomeCallMeTim | February 6, 2007 9:21 PM

I see from yg.lesi.as that you have discovered Jack Shafer's perfervid Peretz.

Jack was on MP's case before it was cool.

Posted by otto | February 6, 2007 9:27 PM

Straight or not, Ted Haggard's a giant douche.

Posted by Matthew Struhar | February 6, 2007 9:36 PM

As always, the Onion was there first.

Posted by Antid Oto | February 6, 2007 9:39 PM

So along with not smoking the meth he buys, he's no longer going to bang the male hookers he hires?

Posted by aleks | February 6, 2007 9:59 PM

It's sort of like the way Ted Kaczynski was a normal guy. Except when he was squatting in a powerless, unplumbed cabin in the depths of the Idaho wilderness assembling bombs with which he hoped to stop modernity cold. A secondary revelation in all this is the fact that the state of interior design, the opportunity to purchase fashionable shoes at a discount, or likelihood of finding someone who can plan a truly memorable party must pretty much suck in Missouri and Iowa.

And, how to test this, anyway? Leave "Hustler" and a "Flava Men" on the coffee table in his hotel room and return, later, to see which magazine's pages are stuck together?

Posted by Brian C.B. | February 6, 2007 10:08 PM

Some kind of advisory committee of right-wing preachers has pronounced Ted Haggard "completely heterosexual."

That's not what the linked article says.

'One of four ministers who oversaw three weeks of intensive counseling for the Rev. Ted Haggard said the disgraced minister emerged convinced that he is "completely heterosexual."'

'"He is completely heterosexual," [the Rev. Tim]Ralph said.'

There is nothing about the opinions of the other three ministers, or about them making any pronouncement as a 'committee'.

It's not clear if 'the four ministers' are identical to the 'oversight board' also mentioned.

Posted by David Tomlin | February 6, 2007 10:10 PM

Dad always told me: "Son, when you're doing crystal meth with a gay hooker, nothing below the waist."

Posted by alkali | February 6, 2007 10:13 PM

I do find one of Haggard's minister's comments entertainingly ambiguous: that it's "hard to heal in Colorado Springs."

It's just a nicer way of running him out of town on a rail... they don't want articles published that include "Ted Haggard of Colorado Springs, pastor of [whatever] Church until a scandal involving methamphetamines and gay prostitutes forced his resignation in 2006, weighed in on the issue with..."

Posted by latts | February 6, 2007 10:17 PM

I took that comment to mean he was constantly being tempted by the promise of meth-fueled gay sex more in Colorado Springs than in, say, Pueblo.

Being as this confirms every prejudice I've ever had about anyone who flips out about those naughty, terrible, ungodly, alluring, sodomites, I'll just go witht that reading.

Posted by witless chum | February 6, 2007 10:46 PM

I thought the point was that there's no such thing as a gay person.

Well, ideally, there wouldn't be, at least in certain jurisdictions. I'm a gay-friendly liberal, and I think it would be just dandy if state legislatures had the right to make being gay illegal by simple majority vote. You'd still have the "right" to exist as a gay person, except in all the places where you didn't. The first step in my pro-gay agenda would be appointing judges who would overturn Lawrence v. Texas. It's all perfectly consistent.

Whoops. Sorry, wrong thread.

Posted by mds | February 6, 2007 10:55 PM

it's "hard to heal in Colorado Springs."

Well, those Air Force recruits are pretty hot.

Posted by mattsteinglass | February 7, 2007 12:21 AM

Evangelicalism for Idiots

It's only homosexual if you like the other guy. As long as you're only cornholing him to express agression-dominance, that's just normal heterosexual behavior, slightly misplaced.

Posted by Glen Tomkins | February 7, 2007 12:47 AM

Maybe it's the difference between someone who has a beer with dinner and an alcoholic?

Posted by Julian Elson | February 7, 2007 12:52 AM

Right. If Haggard had been in prison, nobody'd be saying he was gay. So he was just behaving like any normal felon in the lockup, except instead of being in prison, he was a married preacher at an evangelical megachurch in a Colorado suburb.

Posted by mattsteinglass | February 7, 2007 12:55 AM

And the Iranian's have an herbal cure for AIDS too.

ww

Posted by Webley Webster | February 7, 2007 1:24 AM

Let he who has not had sex with a gay male prostitute and toked up on meth cast the first stone!

Posted by josephdietrich | February 7, 2007 3:06 AM

dude looked like a lady?

Posted by David | February 7, 2007 5:32 AM

I have to admit, the first time I saw a picture of this guy I thought, this guy's as queer as a dog with wings.

Posted by SqueakyRat | February 7, 2007 7:37 AM

I'm not into bestiality. I'd tell you more about the evils of bestiality but there's this cute ewe knocking on my back door.

Posted by steve duncan | February 7, 2007 7:39 AM

"I took that comment to mean he was constantly being tempted by the promise of meth-fueled gay sex more in Colorado Springs than in, say, Pueblo."

You've obviously never lived in Pueblo, or you'd understand that hot methed-up evangelical-minister-on-gay-whore action is more Trinidad's stock in trade.

Posted by Brian C.B. | February 7, 2007 8:05 AM

A panel of 4 male ministers decides that this guy is completely hetero? How did they they test that? :)

Posted by rea | February 7, 2007 8:13 AM

Wait a minute. Let's not be too hasty. Ted did say that he just went for massages, and that he threw the crank away without using it.

Posted by Jim W | February 7, 2007 8:40 AM

rea:

A panel of 4 male ministers decides that this guy is completely hetero?

As I've already pointed out once, the linked article doesn't say that.

Posted by David Tomlin | February 7, 2007 8:57 AM

"I have to admit, the first time I saw a picture of this guy I thought, this guy's as queer as a dog with wings."

Stephanie Miller has a wonderful audio montage of Ted using the word "fabulous".

Posted by Njorl | February 7, 2007 9:56 AM

Nothing like malice to fuel mordantly funny remarks.

Posted by Jeffrey Davis | February 7, 2007 10:51 AM

Of course he was pronounced "completely heterosexual." I didn't really expect an announcement to the effect of "after weeks of rehabilitation and counseling, we must announce that Rev. Haggard is truly gayer than shit. Total fag. He BLEW a dude."

Posted by MP | February 7, 2007 12:37 PM

"You've obviously never lived in Pueblo, or you'd understand that hot methed-up evangelical-minister-on-gay-whore action is more Trinidad's stock in trade."

Guilty as charged, I apologize for speaking out of my depth.

Posted by witless chum | February 7, 2007 1:03 PM