Boat Analogies

Bragan demands that I put my GOP nomination analysis in the form of a seafaring analogy:

So, are you saying that Romney's boat is seaworthy? Able to stay afloat despite being battered by waves of support for his opponents? Or is Romney's boat taking on water faster than he can bail? Maybe he needs to dig deeper into his pocket for another wad of cash to plug the latest leak. Will the Romney boat's hard tack to starboard ever succeed in finding enough wind to fill his sails?

I think it's more like Romney is an early explorer in the Pacific whose ship is seaworthy but he's out of fresh provisions and has no idea how far he is from land. You can keep living on salt pork and hardtack for a long time before scurvy puts the crew out of commission. But it's not going to be very pleasant. A continuation of the status quo puts you on track for slow, painful death. But if you do find land, you stock up on new provisions and everything's fine (unless you get speared to death like Magellan).

Comments

And where is Scarlett Johannson in all of this?

Posted by right | January 9, 2008 10:18 AM

One danger you didn't mention: in Tahiti, the women will have sex with the sailors for a bit of metal. If the sailors are allowed to pull nails out of the ship, it could sink.

I don't know how this is a political analogy, but it is a great story.

Posted by MikeJ | January 9, 2008 10:20 AM

Romney should simply stop in Tonga, where his church has been diligently working to turn this tiny Polynesian kingdom into the world's first majority-Mormon nation. There's a Mormon compound (white schoolhouse, volleyball court, etc.) on every island inhabited by >50 people. He'll love it there! With the recent passing of King Taufa'ahau Tupou IV, and the nonchalance of his son toward monarchy, Romney could easily become King if he just puts up a little bit more of his personal finances towards a few bribes.

Posted by tinisoli | January 9, 2008 10:24 AM

So that wasn't a typo where you really meant to type "boast"?

Posted by SoCalJustice | January 9, 2008 10:32 AM

I guess I'll leave it to someone else to figure out which candidate is Jack Sparrow and which one is Barbossa.

Posted by Haggai | January 9, 2008 10:34 AM

Fun fact: Each time Romney sails across the equator, he gets a piercing to mark the event.

Posted by joejoejoe | January 9, 2008 10:41 AM

Are you implying that Romney has steel balls?

Posted by MattF | January 9, 2008 10:45 AM

I think Romney is heading straight for Davy's Locker.

I mean, politically speaking.

Posted by Bill | January 9, 2008 10:46 AM

Touche'.

But Romney's no explorer, and certainly not one willing to exist on meager provisions (like McCain has been). Romney's boat is one of those huge factory trawlers that plunder the sea indiscriminately, unconcerned about the means to their end.

Like the US military's plan of buying off the Sunnis in Iraq, Romney's cash bought the appearance of success, but ultimately I do think he'll end up at the end of a native's spear (or have his head bashed in like James Cook).

Posted by Bragan | January 9, 2008 10:48 AM

I must say I'm eager to see this metaphor carried as far as humanly possible.

Posted by Mike B. | January 9, 2008 11:11 AM

I gots to agree with the young Master here. A sea voyage can be a tryin ordeal, fraught with every kind test an tribulation. Eventually, large questions will be asked er every man's fortitude by the mother sea. I can remember when me time came, towards the end er an ill-fated adventure, laying near-starved in the stinkin bilges of a unmasted long boat, and hearin her watery whisperin in me ear: "Do ye have the sand, old son, to eat the sunjerked flesh er yer dear dead companions and wash it down with yer own salty urin? If so," she confided, "then maybe ye'll live to see port again. If not... Well, at least ye can take a christ-like comfort in providin the sustinence fer the stronger amoungst ye to continue on."

It's a hard business, this life on the sea, and yet I'd have none other.

Posted by ol' one eye | January 9, 2008 11:19 AM

The ship is not in the doldrums -- there's wind but the ship is in irons because the captain doesn't fucking know how to sail.

PS to the landlubbers. "In irons" is the condition in which the ship is facing directly into the wind , the sails are flapping and the ship is motionless. It's done intentionly to stop the ship (e.g. to pick up a person who's fallen overboard or to change a sail). It done unintentionally by those who don't know how to sail but who have somehow manage to grab the steering tiller.

Posted by Don Williams | January 9, 2008 11:22 AM

PS Re the good ship Romney, any estimates on how many of the crew are able-bodied, how many are drunk on the grog, and how many are merely ballast?

Posted by Don Williams | January 9, 2008 11:25 AM

This metaphor needs spearing.

Posted by alkali | January 9, 2008 11:28 AM

Re ole one-eye's comment "Do ye have the sand, old son, to eat the sunjerked flesh er yer dear dead companions "
---------
This is politics. We don't wait for our companions to die.

Posted by Don Williams | January 9, 2008 11:37 AM

John McCain be a sea cow (or, as yonder land lubbers call 'em, manatee), but ye punditry be insistin' on seein' a mermaid.

Posted by AaRRRRRRRRRRRRon | January 9, 2008 12:35 PM

John McCain be a sea cow (or, as yonder land lubbers call 'em, manatee), but ye punditry be insistin' on seein' a mermaid.

Posted by AaRRRRRRRRRRRRon | January 9, 2008 12:36 PM

Re AaRRGG's comment "John McCain be a sea cow ...but ye punditry be insistin' on seein' a mermaid."
--------------
Maybe young Matthew's been drinking his "own salty urin'"??

Posted by Don Williams | January 9, 2008 12:42 PM

Head bashed in? Capt. Cook was EATEN!

That's seafarin'-analogy GOLD!

Posted by Rocky | January 9, 2008 12:47 PM

I'd say that their navigator has eye problems, since they've tried to make landfall twice but haven't succeeded.

Posted by the Other Paul | January 9, 2008 1:32 PM

That's all well and good but when does he start drinking his urine?

Posted by Paul Camp | January 9, 2008 10:08 PM

Mitt Romney is like the little man in the boat in the Ty-D-Bowl commercial. Every time he swirls around the toilet bowl, he gets a little louder and more shrill. By the time he finally goes down the hole, only dogs will be able to hear him.

By the way, his obsession with being "tough" on everything, and accusing Huckabee on being "soft" on this, that and the other thing, speaks volumes about Red State voter psychology. The GOP, apparently, is an entire party of people compensating for small penises.

While I fear and loathe Giuliani, and am breathing a sigh of relief at our narrow escape (fingers still crossed) from fascism, my only feeling toward Romney is amused contempt. What an ineffecual buffoon!

Posted by Kevin Carson | January 10, 2008 12:59 AM