A colleague alerts me to the fact that Chuck Norris is sixty-seven years old. -- way, way, way older than he looks. Under the circumstances, it seems to me that he and Mike Huckabee ought to abandon this whole politics thing and focus on doing lifestyle books. Between Huckabee's weight loss techniques and Norris' Dorian Gray-like ability to resist the inevitable realities of aging, it seems to me that they could make a lot of money in that line of work.
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Chuck Norris Fact
04 Jan 2008 02:17 pm
Comments (47)
See? You mention Chuck Norris derogatorily and he'll knock your blog posts crooked.
If you try to put a close ital tag on Chuck Norris, he roundhouse kicks you to the face and screws up your entire page.
Chuck Norris isn't sixty-seven years old. Age tried to creep up on him once, but he pretended he didn't see it until it got close, and then whipped up his left hand real fast and punched it in the face. Now Age just leaves him alone, because it's afraid of what his right hand would have done.
Who'll be the first to make the rightward slant joke? Let's find out!
Oh God! I hadn't thought, but-is Matt a goner? It wouldn't surprise me if Chuck Norris dropped down from the ceiling tile directly above his head and executed unholy retribution on his ass for taking Chuck's Name in vain.
I still have a headache from the unearthly gleam, emitted by his teeth, that shone out of my TV set last night.
You know, nobody has taken into account the Chuck Norris factor in Huckabee's overwhelming Iowa success. In fact, I think it's a safe bet that Chuck Norris is the whole reason Huckabee won. All this evangelical speculation is nonsense.
Ah, the blog has miraculously been returned to normal. The Way of Norris is both unfathomable and merciful.
Chuckabee seems pretty non-fierce these days.
He may be 67 years old, but his hair is only about 17.
Sure, Chuck Norris is tough, but even he's scared of trained assassin Chuck Barris.
Does he look that much younger than 67 here?
I think the Norris factor helped Huckabee - and you would think that such a pop icon backing a candidate would sway the scourge of liberal fascists everywhere (but sadly, no) - but he is looking pretty damn goofy these days for a man with a fist in his beard.
You dope, I thought everyone knew that Chuck Norris exists outside the time-space continuum.
Chuck Norris doesn't ask for whom the bell tolls, because he's the one ringing the damn thing.
How many people here would PAY to see Chuck Norris give Matthew an ass-whipping?
C'mon --He's a Harvard boy. Any wealthy Yalies here?
Somebody call Huckabee's fund raising group. I
got an idea.
If Chuck Norris can come through the Will It Blend? test unscathed, Old Man Time's got nothin' on him.
http://www.willitblend.com/videos.aspx?type=unsafe&video=chuck
It seems that Chuck may have the same plastic surgeon as Greta. I am still recovering my eyesight from the blinding reflection of his freshly whitened teeth . . .
Given how buddy-buddy Norris and Huckabee have been lately, I would make a gay joke. Except everyone knows that Chuck Norris isn't gay -- he just ran out of women.
He looks like an in-shape 67-year-old with dyed hair, a silly haircut and fake teeth to me.
like Jim W, I was too distracted by Norris's gleaming teeth to pay attention to Huckabee's acceptance speech. and was that Norris's wife standing next to him?
It's gotta be the Total Gym, dudes. I bought one, based on Chuck's endorsement, and the dust in that corner of my basement hasn't aged a day since.
Chuck is a hairy ball of dough. I kicked his ass big time.
I'm with Lee -- whenever I see Hollywood types looking much younger than their age, I tend to assume they've had some cosmetic work done.
I'd rather take up a collection on behalf of everyone who served in the Armed Forces to have a pay-per-view of Chuck Norris whipping Ted Rall's ass than Matt Yglesias. Proceeds go to both Parties unless Edwards is the nominee.
For a warmup event, for someone Chuck could just get loose with while getting a glowing sheen by roundhouse kicking their head off while turning them to hamburger 1st, I note that Jane Fonda is also 67. A prelim "senior match" for him.
And the Huckster and Chuck do contrast well with McCain, who would be the oldest person ever elected President, and looks it - if the MSM propells him to the nomination and he wins.
Chuck and Huck, pun on the movie Chuck and Buck intentional:-) are a natural pair.
With Chuck you have a multi-millionaire actor with tons of free time to work out in the best gyms in the world plus dyed hair and all the plastic surgey and maekup money can buy selling snake oil excerise equipment to rubes makign them think some cheap junk is gonna solve all their problems and turn them into adonis's.
With Huck you have an obese Governor who secretly had his stomach stapled telling a bunch of poor, fat Southerners that if they just work out and trust God they will be rich and succesfull just like him, just your typical televangelist prosperity gospel BS played out politically.
Having seen Norris in person (close enough to be roundhouse kicked by him in fact), I can say that he is positively fossilized in the flesh. Not crennelated. Not craggy, like The Great Emancipator. Not wizened, like Gandalf. But fossilized, like some aging, reptilian Hollywood D-lister.
Youthful in spirit, yes. Norris is that, to a "t." A lifetime devotion to fitness (and the habitual consumption of virgins' hypothalmus glands) will do that. But that's an awful lot of Grecian Formula to apply and cosmetic surgery to have when you aspire to be an avatar of a political philosophy that has descended to little more than cracking wise at the expense of John Edwards's "fou-fou" hairstyle.
Neither Rall nor Norris served in the military, although only one of the two "plays" soldier.
Sounds like Chris Ford has a case of the I-hate-free-speech Mondays.
Chris Ford writes: "I'd rather take up a collection on behalf of everyone who served in the Armed Forces to have a pay-per-view of Chuck Norris whipping Ted Rall's ass than Matt Yglesias."
You'd probably run off with the money and spend it on a Thai vacation with your buddy Jeff Gannon.
In any event Rall, who has spent considerable time in Central Asia in places that would make you wet your pants, wonders why you don't just go after him yourself. But I guess everyone knows the answer to that one.
Here's a buck. Go buy yourself some Friskies.
You apparently need to see more old people Matt. Chuck Norris looks like he's in his late 50s, maybe early 60s. Considering he's been in great shape his whole life and can afford the proper health care and the appropriate level of plastic surgery to keep his "looks" in tact I'd say he's hasn't fared all that well. Better than others sure, but not way way way better.
His wife on the other hand looks fantastic, and she's 94!
Hasn't anyone heard of botox?
Chuck Norris twice let me cut in line in front of him at the grocery store ... because he knew the consequences if he didn't.
That, and I only had two or three items both times, and he had a whole cart-full. He seriously didn't look 67, either - maybe early 50s at most. His wife still looks mid-30s, and looks good. (And you can blame her for his Christian fundamentalism, it's something that's really strong in her family).
His wife? I just thought all those Walker: Texas Ranger episodes were getting to his increasingly senile brain. I don't know why Matt thinks he looks good-there is a kind of gnomish quality to everyone past the age of 55 whose had the siding refinished, and to me it's unnatural enough to look really unnerving. I'm only saying this because I've relocated to a hidden bunker filled with an army of loyal Bruce Lee clones. on a deserted island in the middle of the Pacific Ocean filled with robotically enhanced killer sharks So I should be safe. Right?
Neither Rall nor Norris served in the military, although only one of the two "plays" soldier.
Sounds like Chris Ford has a case of the I-hate-free-speech Mondays.
Posted by Jamey
Wrong.
Chuck Norris started learning Karate as an Air Force SGT stationed on Okinawa. He doesn't just play soldier. He instructed military forces on martial arts techniques for 30 years. He is active in going abroad to entertain soldiers, active in the POW "cause" for about the same time span.
Rall is just a creep. And he has been punched out recently, and there is a line that would love to also kick his ass if they could get away with it.
Kurt Montandon - Chuck Norris twice let me cut in line in front of him at the grocery store ... because he knew the consequences if he didn't. A great comeback to anyone that tells a Chuck Norris joke! Stop them in their tracks! "Yeah, I just looked at him and his shopping cart began trembling from his wrists shaking as he backed off. Drives a minivan, too!"
Truth is, like many celebrities, Chuck is a nice guy in his personal life these days, though earlier he was a hellraiser when he was younger.
Jamey: Neither Rall nor Norris served in the military...
If half the Chuck Norris facts were true, I'm pretty sure that getting that wrong would have resulted in a skull-cracking roundhouse kick for you...
Unless, instead of making fun of Chuck Norris, you're actually poking fun at the US Air Force.
You know, nobody has taken into account the Chuck Norris factor in Huckabee's overwhelming Iowa success. In fact, I think it's a safe bet that Chuck Norris is the whole reason Huckabee won. All this evangelical speculation is nonsense.
Conversely, nobody mentioned Oprah regarding the amazing showing for Obama.
Unfortunately for Huckabee, Oprah > Chuck Norris
Chuck Norris' looks not a mystery...just hair dye + a facelift
Hair dye, facelift . . .plus the list goes on! Dental veneers, botox, plus in the tradition of Cal Thomas, dyed eyebrows. Lots of old guys dye their eyebrows these days. Few of them look as freaky as Cal. Chuck's doing relatively well with all the work done on him, only don't slam a door in his presence. His face will sink like a souffle.
Chuckie wears a toupee, it's not a bad hair cut. If you saw him bald without all the plastic surgery he would look at least 67. Jeez...
Chuck's missus is a genuine blonde-Buddhist looker. I mean it looks like she's got steel for eyes, but given her fairly generic type- she's actually got an interesting face. This is no ninny.
Chuck Norris started learning Karate as an Air Force SGT stationed on Okinawa.
As I recall, Tae Kwon Do in South Korea, not karate in Okinawa, but yeah, was in the Air Force.
Matt thinks he's a bad ass about 7.5 on the Norris scale.
Hah!
Besides, as to looks, maybe Norris is using the "Gaussian blur" technique Hillary used in her TV ad. Over at HuffPo, they've got a series of shots of what other candidates might look like if they did the same thing. Funny stuff.
They also point out that who but Hillary would have the nerve to try that in an attempt to look younger. Given the supposed "youth" movement for Obama, look for Hillary to get a facelift next week...
Not to mention that Matt is young enough that anybody over thirty-five looks old to him...
"whenever I see Hollywood types looking much younger than their age, I tend to assume they've had some cosmetic work done."
Not always. Now I don't know about Morgan Fairchild, but she's around my age (58) and she hasn't got a wrinkle on her face anywhere. She's either drinking blood at night or has had a facelift. But she's known for jogging and the like.
British actress Stephanie Beacham (from "The Colby's" back in the prime time soap days) is two years older than me and looks pretty damn good still and I'm pretty sure she hasn't had any facelifts.
Nowadays, if you have the bucks and the smarts, you can get a variety of nutrient and hormone therapies that will reverse your fading hair color, minimize the wrinkles, and generally improve you, without having any invasive surgery.
Hell, I'm 58 and a lifetime of being somewhat overweight and staying out of the sun has made my skin soft as a baby's and I have very few wrinkles. Sun damage accounts for around 80 percent of so-called "age". Stay the hell out of the sun!
BTW, that would be Tang Soo Do he started in, not Tae Kwon Do.
More importantly, he was 65-5 in fights - and he beat everybody who beat him initially.
Pact with the Devil
You were on the right track with the bit about Dorian Gray. You see, Chuck and Mike owe their worldly success to a business arrangement they made some years ago. You think they did Iowa by nine points just with pluck, daring, and a can-do attitude? Staying young and losing weight are just minor perks of this gig. They signed on to be False Prophet and Anti-Christ in a major, major production with some very well-connnected backing. No details yet, except that there will be blood, and plenty of it. You don't get to find out who's the Whore of Babylon until next month. If you're still alive and unraptured.
Matt displays a common misapprehension about The Picture Of Dorian Gray. Yes, the eponymous character doesn't age, but the main point about the picture is that as Dorian becomes ever more dissolute and evil, he continues to appear innocent and angelic, while his portrait ages and becomes ugly.
So I guess somewhere in an attic there's a picture of Chuck Norris getting roundhouse kicked?
So I guess somewhere in an attic there's a picture of Chuck Norris getting roundhouse kicked?
Go rent the classic, Return of the Dragon (aka Way of the Dragon) and watch Bruce Lee kill him.
The fight sequence between Bruce Lee and Chuck Norris in the Roman Colosseum, in Way of the Dragon, is the closest thing there is to a manly ballet.
Here's the only pic I've seen of him sans hairpiece.
http://i105.photobucket.com/albums/m216/dgates01/ChuckNorrisBald.jpg
Comments closed January 18, 2008.
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Heads in the Sand
Jesus, Matt, this isn't that hard to avoid.
Posted by live | January 4, 2008 2:18 PM