Talk of bloggers who don't like to use the phone naturally brings to mind Jonathan Rauch's article on introverts, which is a perennial Atlantic web hit since there are so damn many introverts on the internet. Still, I don't really understand why being somewhat introverted would make me especially adverse to talking to people on the phone -- I think I'm really pretty outgoing face-to-face at this point.
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The Introvert Factor
12 Mar 2008 08:41 am
Comments (22)
Introverts can be outgoing, it's just more of an effort. Sometimes much more of an effort.
If my own experience is anything to go by, introverts find conversation stressful, in part, because it requires dealing with a lot of gray areas and social uncertainty. For instance, Is this guy too busy to talk right now? How interested is she, really, in topic X or Y?
Talking on the phone strips away nonverbal cues that reduce the uncertainty. So you're left with a pretty unpleasant form of conversation for introverts.
Talking on the phone strips away nonverbal cues that reduce the uncertainty.
And talking over the internet/email/text msgs doesn't?
I think Ted's absolutely right. I would also add that there's no socially acceptable way to pause a phone conversation, which leaves no way for introverts like me to take a break from talking.
The thing about written communication is that it doesn't necessarily require a lot of listening and interaction. Some people who write comments on blog posts, for instance, are largely interested in hearing themselves talk.
But -- more seriously -- if you do choose to listen and respond, you always get to take your time and edit your response. If I could edit my phone conversations, I would be a happy extrovert, and sit around all day editing them till they're perfect. Hmm . . . I guess that wouldn't quite qualify as extroversion . . .
How do you tell if a blogger is extroverted? When he talks with you, he looks at your shoes.
Ted, agree with the second point. Being introverted myself, I'm not very good at thinking on my feet or confident about saying things straight out. I like to take time to formulate a response. I've had my share of "that's what I should have said" moments. But that applies both to phone AND face to face conversations.
Everyone has the "that's what I should have said" moments, extroverts just don't dwell on them. Introverts, myself included, are very introspective and, frankly, think too much about ourselves and what we are saying, doing, etc. Unfortunately, no matter how hard one works at becoming extroverted, the over-thinking remains.
I love silence and especially dislike hearing people talk. Before I stopped watching TV altogether, I watched for a few years with subtitles on and the sound off. I used to hate airports and airplanes until I got an iPod with ear canal phones. I often have to ask people to repeat what they said because I'm unconsciously trying not to listen.
I don't think a certain amount of phone phobia is an unusual phenomenon, or is necessarily related to some easy division between introverts and extroverts. I'm guessing most guys remember that as a teenager it was often much more difficult to call a girl on the phone than to speak with her in person, and that calls were often preceded by a long period of half-starts, hyperventilation and rehearsing. But, hopefully, you made yourself do it. Because if you didn't do it, some other guy would beat you to it.
If some people think the telephone is going the way of the telegraph, and so it is not important to master your phone fears, I beg to differ. There is always going to be an important role for voice communication, and speaking on the phone or its technological equivalent is still an important social and business skill. If you hate the phone, the first thing I can say is that I can sympathize. But the next thing I have to say is "get over it!"
I have tried since my son was very young to teach him phone courtesy, and to encourage him to pick up the phone and call people when he has something to ask them - even people who were much older. I also always tried to teach him to talk on the phone like a confident man rather than an insecure kid, for example by answering questions with a crisp "yes" rather than a slack-jawed "yuh". I think he now takes a lot of pride in this skill. I don't think he is any less naturally self-conscious than most teenagers, but he knows adults have frequently commented on his politeness, maturity and confidence. He just took charge of the responsibility of calling a Boston limousine company on behalf of a group of ten friends and negotiating the rate for a group limousine for his junior prom. They all wanted him to do it.
adverse
Averse.
I'm an introvert, and fairly shy, but I vastly prefer the phone to text communication, especially email. Phone is faster and conveys vastly more information than text because text kills tone of voice.
Some brain research has suggested that introverts and extroverts process information differently. Extroverts are literally thinking while they're speaking, while introverts are processing information through their memory before they speak. As a result, introverts are more "thoughtful" in the things that they say but not as quick on their feet.
This could have two consequences for introverts while talking on the phone. First, silences are more obvious and uncomfortable on the phone than they are in person, which can more problematic for people who process their thoughts before speaking. (You can use nonverbal cues in person to encourage someone to keep speaking while you choose how to respond, for example.) Second, phone conversations particularly privilege people who, in speaking off the cuff, don't weigh their words carefully. Words matter more precisely because other things (i.e. body language and environmental context) matter less. For those of us who are already particularly aware of the weight of our words and who carefully choose them rather than just speaking off the top of our heads, phone conversations involve additional pressure.
Hence the strong preference for email (which really gives you time to craft a response), and a bigger aversion to professional phone conversation s which require greater care than personal phone conversations.
I am less introverted than I used to be too, and I too hate telephones. I feel I am being rude when I call and find the ringing telephone rude (but it's not the phones fault is is just a brainless machine). If a person demanded one's attention the way the phone does that would certainly be rude. Obviously most adults of at least half normal intelligence understand that telephones can't be rude and that people who are calling do have to use telephones.
I however feel guilty if I let a phone ring more than 3 times or hang it up without given the person a reasonable amount of time to answer (bit of a fix that) and I always resent it when the phone rings.
rle hits it on the head. If family or my wife calls up I'm fine with it. Professional calls, especially without time to prepare, I really hate.
I'm the opposite of CalDem. I don't even think about hating the phone at my job. I just hate social phone calls. Friday is my birthday. It will be hell all weekend.
I used to hate telephone conversations (introvert here too), but as a journalist I've had to get used to them. I'm fine with them in a professional context, but I still can't really deal with personal topics very well. I always get angsty if a contact strays away from work-related stuff and if its a personal call I'd much rather do it in person or via a text-based medium.
Phone calls lack the visual cues of face to face, and the time to think of what to say of text messaging. I avoid phone calls whenever I can, and keep them as short as possible. No matter who the other person is. One consequence of this that I have never needed a cell phone.
However, I'm an aspie, so I'm an extreme case. I don't do well with face to face conversations, either. But the lack of visual cues (and the fact that for the first sentence or two I'm trying to remember who the caller is) make phone calls hell.
I'm introverted to the point of autism, but one of the best writers of my generation.
Matt: "I think I'm really pretty outgoing face-to-face at this point."
Well, to go by your performances at "The Table", I'd say you're more than "pretty outgoing". You don't let Ross get a word in edge-wise. You're hyper-aggressive in personal conversation, not to mention arrogant.
It's not an endearing trait.
The whole Internet is an introvert paradise. Look at Finland. Meal conversation is run on Quaker principles: if you feel you have something valuable to say, go ahead; otherwise, shut up. So naturally in the information age the Finns are now Top Nation. Everything works. Everybody's connected, but nobody has to talk face-to-face. Everyone else admires them.
Comments closed March 26, 2008.
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Heads in the Sand
It's that big, hairy mole behind your left ear. It's infected your mind with some sort of subliminal self consciousness, a fear of the phone handset getting near it. Which is odd, since you're right handed (or so you want us to believe).
Posted by steve duncan | March 12, 2008 8:58 AM