The Revolution Will Not Be Televised

But it seems that the Second Coming will be:

In order to prepare for the imminent Second Coming—which Robertson believes will occur on the Mount of Olives in Jerusalem according to biblical prophecy—he acquired METV (Middle East Television), a station then based in southern Lebanon that could broadcast into Israel. Straub was given marching orders to be ready to televise Christ’s return. CBN executives drew up a detailed plan to broadcast the event to every nation and in all languages. Straub wrote: “We even discussed how Jesus’ radiance might be too bright for the cameras and how we would have to make adjustments for that problem. Can you imagine telling Jesus, ‘Hey, Lord, please tone down your luminosity; we’re having a problem with contrast. You’re causing the picture to flare.’”

Good thing that as long as the Republicans are in charge we don't need to worry about any nutty pastors getting political influence.

Comments

Reminds me of our firm's HR person, years ago. Took me aside, explained that the Rapture is coming, and showed me where to find her already-filled-out leave of absence slip for her necessarily abrupt departure. Naturally, she confided this in the office gay guy, someone who she was confident would be around post-Rapture to clear up these administrative details . . .

If there really is a second coming, the first sign of it will probably be a lightning bolt in Pat Robertson's direction . . .

Posted by rea | April 3, 2008 8:39 AM

1) Southern Protestant churchs come out of a strong tradition of individual freedom -- i.e, the local church is run by its congregation and there's no hierarchy as you have with the Catholic Church.

While admirable in many respects, that leaves the way open to political/economic pressure by local plutocrats (e.g., the Southern Baptist Convention being formed to defend the property rights of Southern slave owners.).

2) It also provides a fertile ground for con artists -- who have no fear of being confronted/prosecuted by a Vatican. I think most people would point to Jimmy Swaggert as an example.

In the area where I grew up, a new preacher came in , set up what was essentially a cult, took a lot of money from people who couldn't afford it, and was only discredited with his congregation when he was arrested for selling pornography over in the next county.

From what I've seen, a taste for expensive cars (Lincoln Continentals or Mercedes) is a tipoff.
Real men of Christ use whatever money they have to help the poor, the badly sick, the unemployed and the elderly.

In my opinion, having a megachurch or your own TV stations is another tipoff.

Posted by Don Williams | April 3, 2008 8:41 AM

1) There are millions of people who consider using their own intellect to be a dark abyss they best avoid. Those people look for some Daddy substitute to tell them what to do.

2) However, the vote of a moronic cult member is just as good as the vote of a philosopher king.

3) I don't think Aristotle or James Madison ever considered factions led by the likes of Pat Robertson and Hagee. They didn't have broadcast TV in those days.

Posted by Don Williams | April 3, 2008 8:48 AM

I look foward to Jesus being duped into a 3-way with Jenna Bush and Bob Dole.

Posted by steve duncan | April 3, 2008 8:51 AM

In my opinion, having a megachurch or your own TV stations is another tipoff.

I think this falls under the larger category of "never trust anyone on TV".

Posted by matt foley | April 3, 2008 8:58 AM

Just to offer some historical context: there's always been an Endtimes pop-culture industry. Back in my Southern Baptist childhood in the '70s, books like "The Late Great Planet Earth" were huge bestsellers. In my hometown the Baptist Bookstore carried several action-hero comic series such as "The Crusaders," which detailed the bad-ass adventures of a former Green Beret and a former Black Panther who had both given their hearts to Christ a la Paul on the road to Damascus. (I really, really dug "The Crusaders.") I can recall seeing a low-budget Rapture movie that scared the crapola out of me. And this was over thirty years ago.

It's quite astonishing how profoundly the Book of Revelations has influenced evangelical Christians, to the exclusion of other Scriptures. But this problem is probably worse now, as the terrorist attacks gave real concrete imagery to what had only been inchoate, if widespread, fantasies. (Consider that offensive apocalyptic vid game for kids, one steeped in 9/11 allusions.)

I don't know how you combat this.

Posted by BryklynLibrul | April 3, 2008 9:05 AM

You would think that Christ, being almighty, would not need TV cameras. Does anyone else see the irony in this?

Posted by freddiemac | April 3, 2008 9:13 AM

time for someone to read The Origin Of The Brunists

Posted by cleek | April 3, 2008 9:19 AM

I hate to break it to you, freddiemac, but the Fundamentalists fail to detect irony in anything. They truly believe that Jesus will talk and act exactly as they imagine -- He's one of them. They can't fathom a Jesus that might deviate even a jot from their script, let alone accept that He might behave in ways they couldn't applaud or crack a yuk-yuk joke about, as with the camera/luminosity here.

This is why they obsess on some Scriptures -- the Great Commission at the close of Matthew's Gospel, for instance, or Revelations -- and downplay others, such as the Golden Rule or even the Beatitudes, with its message of elevating the dispossessed. Go figure.

Posted by BryklynLibrul | April 3, 2008 9:24 AM

You would think that Christ, being almighty, would not need TV cameras. Does anyone else see the irony in this?

The 700 Club just announced a short while ago that they'd begin broadcasting in HD.

I can't believe Jesus let them stay in the dark ages of TV for so long.

Having said that, we wouldn't need METV or CBN to broadcast the second coming.

It would be live 24/7 on the three regular cable nets. It's the ultimate missing person story - the guy has been unaccounted for for 2000 years. Maybe Fox could have Geraldo open his tomb on live TV.

The only thing that would make it more appealing to cable news execs would be if Jesus were a young, white girl.

Posted by SoCalJustice | April 3, 2008 9:30 AM

While I admire the snark here Matt, the conclusion is all wrong. A majority of Americans probably think Mr. Robertson is a bit over the top on this, but also think he is on the right side. He loves America, and he is obviously a (white male!) Christian in a 3-piece suit. Thus, it is just fine that he has some political influence. He is not in the nutty pastor in their minds.

On the other hand, a black man who wears funny costumes and hates America is not the same flavor of Christian, and just might be muslimy. He must be denied political influence.

I have many many well-educated and well-meaning friends and family who might roll their eyes and snigger a little about tv-coverage of the 2nd-coming, but they really really cringe at the things Wright has said. I have done a poor job here of laying out this position, but I think it is an important one, and I would like to see you put some effort into it and apply your prodigious talents, rather than leaving us with the snarky.

Posted by fred s lounge | April 3, 2008 9:31 AM

Gil Scott Heron is back in jail. It's a damn shame.

Posted by Garuda | April 3, 2008 9:33 AM

Hey, Lord, please tone down your luminosity; we’re having a problem with contrast. You’re causing the picture to flare.’”

Oh ye of little faith! Why take ye thought for video burn? Know ye not that in His divine benificence, His lumnious radiance will be fully in-range for both NTSC and the newer HDTV equipment?

Posted by James Gary | April 3, 2008 9:43 AM

Actually, Don Williams, Madison did anticipate these moronic factions, which is why he constructed a system with which it is very difficult to accomplish anything.

Posted by Matthew Struhar | April 3, 2008 9:51 AM

"The only thing that would make it more appealing to cable news execs would be if Jesus were a young, white girl."

Wrong - it would be even more entertaining if Jesus looked like a person from the Middle East. The BBC did one of those facial reconstructions on skulls from 1st century Palestine: http://bibledudes.com/images/other/jesus_bbc.jpg

Posted by Mike In Denmark | April 3, 2008 9:56 AM

If Jesus descended from the heavens and took on the worldly appearance of a devout Muslim would CBN quickly switch to reruns of Green Acres?

Posted by steve duncan | April 3, 2008 10:15 AM

"Wrong - it would be even more entertaining if Jesus looked like a person from the Middle East."

He'd probably get renditioned to Gitmo or one of the 'Stans for insurgency and being a terrist.

Posted by CParis | April 3, 2008 10:22 AM

It's not peoples' faith in God or prophecy that's so ridiculous, it's their faith in their own interpretations.

Posted by Ban Johnson | April 3, 2008 10:28 AM

Indeed, if one doubts the potency of Pat Robertson's poltical influence in the GOP, one needs to only ask presidential nominee Rudy Giuliani.

Posted by JohnMcG | April 3, 2008 10:33 AM

Re "he [Pat Robertson] is obviously a (white male!) Christian "
--------------
1) Really??

One of the Commandments is "Thou shall not kill". An alternative interpretation is "Thou shalt not murder". How does that jibe with Robertson calling for the assassination of Venezuela President Chavez?

2) Matthew 25:41-46 quotes Jesus as saying that those who are indifferent to the suffering of the hungry, the poor, the sick and the oppressed are condemmed to hell. Would real Christians defend and promote George W Bush? Or the Republican Party as it has existed for the past 8 years?

3) In my opinion, Pat Robertson's religion is as fake as is his patriotism.

Posted by Don Williams | April 3, 2008 10:37 AM

Of course we all seem to agree that the almighty would not need a camera crew to make his return known. And surely Robertson knows this too. So why would he work this venture? For the money, of course. Can you imagine the ratings if suddenly Jesus returned, everyone knew it, but only Robertson had cameras ready?

Posted by freddiemac | April 3, 2008 10:38 AM

The fundamentalist view of religion, of the world really, is so literal and mundane, so devoid of any hint of the sublime or the awe-inspiring, that you have to seriously wonder if these people aren't in some way brain damaged or just mentally deficient. You would think one look at a starry night sky would be enough to show them why their world view is completely nonsensical.

Posted by vanya | April 3, 2008 10:49 AM

Hello fred s lounge - could you please clarify what you expect Matt, or any of us, to do about your "well-educated, well-meaning" racist friends - snark doesn't do the trick for you? What will?

Posted by LMA | April 3, 2008 10:51 AM

My parents are Evangelical Christians who watch CBN and revere Pat Robertson, Jerry Falwell, Rush Limbaugh, George Bush, and all Republicans. And they take very seriously, as a solid fact, that Jesus will return. As a matter of fact, my father, who ministers to prisoners, told me that he has not saved for retirement or the future because he believes that Jesus will be coming back during his lifetime. There is absolutely no talking him out of this.

And frankly, I have to wonder where this idea comes from. Could it possibly be that preachers like Robertson and others have convinced my father to give money to thier churches/CBN now and not save for the future because when Jesus comes back he'll take care of them? This is where the outrage should be; these crazy ideas spewed by Robertson & Co. I do believe that if Fox News ran 5 days of 24 hour clips of Robertson, Hagee, Parsley and friends shouting about gays, lesbians, feminists, blacks, Muslims, the destruction of Israel, the Rapture televised, and other "crazy" talk people would have a different take on these clowns. I'm not sure I agree with Matt, that it won't happen because they're not black and they're not wearing funny clothes. I think it's because the Repubs and conservatives need them.

Posted by SMN | April 3, 2008 11:03 AM

I have many many well-educated and well-meaning friends and family who might roll their eyes and snigger a little about tv-coverage of the 2nd-coming, but they really really cringe at the things Wright has said.

Um. Did they cringe when Fallwell and Robertson said Americans caused 9/11 by bringing on God's wrath? If not, then please explain what makes that more acceptable or less concerning than anything Wright said.

Posted by Jake H. | April 3, 2008 11:25 AM

"Blessed are they who . . . "

"Cut! Makeup!"

Posted by Hogan | April 3, 2008 11:34 AM

"I look foward to Jesus being duped into a 3-way with Jenna Bush and Bob Dole."

Dude...just...dude...

Posted by 55 | April 3, 2008 11:42 AM

That article is fantastic. MY focuses on the Jesus on TV bit, but read the last 2-3 paragraphs about Pat, Dubya and the War.

Posted by Ronnie Pudding | April 3, 2008 11:57 AM

I have little regard for Limbaugh, but he did immediately publicly denounce Robertson's post 9/11 comments as "rubbish". Would that Obama had done the same with regard to Wright's.

Posted by Will Allen | April 3, 2008 12:45 PM

From the article:

"To keep calls coming, Robertson repeatedly emphasized the “prosperity gospel”—the belief, common among televangelists, that Christians are entitled to claim financial rewards as evidence of God’s favor.

Robertson likes to call it the Law of Reciprocity, telling viewers that if they are true-believing Christians, financial rewards are theirs for the asking. (“We are to command the money to come to us,” he once wrote.)

As a result, Robertson never had to feign guilt over indulging in the just financial rewards of his spiritual successes. Today, he lives in a $3 million, 6,600-square-foot house with six and a half bathrooms, and he is partial to Corvettes. “You can be just as holy when you are financially comfortable as you can be when you are poor,” Robertson has written. “Poverty is a curse, not a blessing.” "
-------------
What a UPLIFTING REVELATION! Can anybody point me to where Jesus says that in the Scriptures?

Must have been around the time that Jesus moved into that mansion after he got rich off that fish packing franchise and the Lazarus HMO he set up.

Posted by Don Williams | April 3, 2008 1:15 PM

The ministers I have known have lived frugal lives -- because they saw themselves as temporary custodians of donations they receive. Money that is always needed for the less fortunate in the congregation -- the family being crushed by medical bills for a child with cancer. Or one whose breadwinner has been laid off.

Unlike Pat, The ministers I've known would never have the VISION to go buy themselves a couple of Corvettes as a sign of their spiritual authority and of God's approval.

Posted by Don Williams | April 3, 2008 1:26 PM

My sides are splitting from laughing at some of these comments. I can't wait until a Democratic candidate tries some of them out in a black church.

Posted by Fred | April 3, 2008 1:28 PM

That BBC reconstruction looks like on of The Rutles.

Posted by Jeffrey Davis | April 3, 2008 2:30 PM

The Church of the SubGenius have the best take on "The Rapture". They call it "The Rupture" - and when it happens it's the "good Christians" who are gonna get screwed royally.

Apparently, the "Fightin' Jesus" has made a deal with the Interstellar Bankers - the guys who really own the Earth, and who consider human beings to be like household mildew that needs to be cleaned up to make the place suitable for sale.

So the "Fightin' Jesus" - pissed because the last time he was here the monkeys stuck him up on a cross - has come back with an armada of flying saucers loaded with tech.

It ain't gonna be pretty.

Posted by Richard Steven Hack | April 3, 2008 5:51 PM

Re Don Williams

"In my opinion, Pat Robertson's religion is as fake as is his patriotism."

I seem to recall that a Congressman from California named Pete Mccloskey accused ole Pat of avoiding the draft during the Korean War through the influence of his father, Willis Robertson, who was a Congressman from Virginia, and I believe, chairman of the armed services committee. Sounds familiar.

Posted by SLC | April 4, 2008 5:43 PM